It's So Hot In Here...
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in August, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your motorcycle.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your face shield.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can actually burn your hand on the clutch lever.
No one would dream of wearing shorts and sitting on a vinyl motorcycle seat!
Your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Riding breaks are measured by bottles of water rather than the need for gas.
Now that your yard has burnt, you do not have to spend time mowing but it is still to hot to ride.
You have to chew the air properly before you can swallow it.
The next person to ask you "Hot 'nuff for ya?" WILL receive a black eye.
Freezer Meals
I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.
If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.
This news arrived on: 08/16/2005
Barber and Kid
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
This news arrived on: 08/16/2005
Chain Letters
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern.......
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I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
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I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
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I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
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I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
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I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
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I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
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I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
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I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.
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I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
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I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
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I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
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Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
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I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.
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I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
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Now to Return the Favor:
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer. So you'd better get going on that e-mail!!!
This news arrived on: 08/16/2005
Copyright © 2005 ArcaMax Publishing, Inc., and its licensors. All rights reserved.
Copyright © 2005 ArcaMax Publishing, Inc., and its licensors. All rights reserved.
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