Dumbest Quotes Ever
These were sent in by a subscriber and we cannot attest to their accuracy...But aren't they hilarious?
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey.
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark.
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH.)
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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle.
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca
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"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, former US president ( to perhaps be fair, we'll do Bushisms another day.)
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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, former US Vice President.
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman.
-- Thanks to Scott for submitting these.
Quick Thinking
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible.
He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem"thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110,120 mph!
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
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